So 48 hours ago I thought I was going to have the best year of my life. I was going to get down to my goal weight as I have come so far. I was going to grieve the loss of my Grandma finally and do something in her honor. I was going to run a half marathon. I was going to enjoy my baby's and work on strengthening my marriage. We were going to have HUGE bash for my 30th birthday. We were going to go on a way too expensive trip for our 5 year anniversary. That is just a few of the things that come to my head. So you think I am selfish? I admit I like to be in control. I like to plan and I like structure. It is the only way I can function.
Right now my next year and beyond has been turned up side down. I have no control and I feel like I am in utter chaos. I am sacred out of my mind. I have no idea how this will work or how we will come out of this financially. I am not excited to be pregnant and I am not happy right now. That is just where I am at today and I need people to understand that. I don't want to feel this way and I don't like to feel guilty for it either. I can't seem to stop crying no matter how hard I try.
I do realize a lot of people have trouble getting/staying pregnant. I feel for them I really do. I don't feel though that it has anything to do with where I am at. It is so different from my situation and I hope that those people can feel the same compassion for me that I feel for them.
Next I hear so many about to say God has a plan. I too believe that and I know he will get us through this. With that said I still feel the same way and I pray that God will help me come to peace. I ask for prayers from you for the same. I wish I could just fast forward and be holding our new baby. I know then things will be different.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Today
Posted by mycraftsamber at 11:03 AM
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5 comments:
I completely 100% understand how you're feeling. Hang in there, it can only get better...right? :) hugs!!
Oh yes, I have cried many tears for suprise pregnancies.
The ONLY thing that helps me is looking back and seeing how things did work out each and every time, no matter how scared or nervous I was that they wouldn't.
Your goals will just have to change: Instead of doing a half-marathon in memory of your grandma....have this new baby in her memory and work her name in there somewhere. Instead of getting in the best shape of your life.....get into your best pregnancy shape.
That being said, I feel for you, i really do.
Oh Sweet Amber, I didn't even know you were pregnant. Definately a financial and emotional road to walk. Just last month I found myself hoping I was pregnant only to start my period, and now I am glad I was not because our finances are really tight.
A friend of my cried for the first 5 months of her pregnancy, but when she finally came to girps with the whole idea and then held that baby in her arms she found herself complete in a way that only transcended the flesh and went straight into the spiritual. You are right, God has a plan, but he also allows us to take part in creating that plan.
So, in one hand...Congratulations. I know you WILL be so very happy. In the other hand...allow yourself to have emotions. They are healthy for you.
Praying and here if you need me.
(oh, what about a midwife? Do you want my midwife's phone number? She gives a free consultation with both mom and dad to answer questions and concerns.)
Sweet Amber,
I don't mean to point out typing or spelling errors, but I think this one is significant: you wrote " I am sacred..." and I know you meant to say "I am scared."
But....you ARE sacred! You carry life in your precious sacred body! And I know that you know that. And I also know that your life is turned upside down, indeed. (we are pretty excited for you!) I know things are going to be different. I love your authenticity, and the way you share your heart.
But it will all be fine! And remember you ARE Sacred! You are carrying God's Life within YOU!
Love you much,
darla
Amber, I am praying for you!
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